My Tempestuous and Epic Footwear Love Affair

Enough Shoes? by Brenna la Rose featuring platform boots

I can't explain it. I just don't know what comes over me. It's a fever, a pure madness that comes upon me every time I see a well-dressed lady wander past, or pass a Payless, or even simply watch a lavish period film with lots of dancing.

I'm just daffy in love with shoes.

Yes, me. The girl who would happily frisk barefoot in a field of daisies like Persephone pre-yoinking is an unabashed shoe-fan. I suppose it's like my love of blond and red hair, or slim girls, or OTT Sweet Brand. I will never have it, though I may struggle and torture myself in vain. I have huge feet, you see. I wear a size 11 narrow shoe, with long, somewhat monkeyish toes and orthopedic issues that put many fancy and artsy shoes and boots well out of my reach. Even if they fit, can I walk in them? For how long? Would I be better off just hacking off my toes like Cinderella's stepsisters or would foot-binding do it?

Most of the time, I'm in bare feet, unless I'm going to be in the grass (hello, Mr. Hookworm), or going into places that require shoes. Even when I wear shoes, unless I'm too nicely dressed to be in any old thing or being a showoff, I'm in one standard pair of athletic mary janes. My last pair was suede and was destroyed by a rainstorm at a two-week-long outdoor event, leaving me in tears, until my mother gave me a pair of t-straps. My mother is the queen of hand-me-downs. Every so often, she'll lose a few pounds and hand me a few old dresses, or will buy a fabulous pair of shoes, only to find they don't work with her broken toe (she used to be in ballet, and has a permanent lump where she broke her foot dancing), meaning I get them. So far, it's the only pair I can wear regularly. I have tons of shoes and they mostly just sit there.

I wish I could wear the others more often. I try to do so, with disastrous results. I've worn stiletto heels to LARPs, expecting to sit most of the time, only to be crippled because my meeting kept being moved and I had to trot all over.

Girls, I know some of us are shoe-hoarders. Not all, but some, certainly. I beg you, don't become like me! Buy a few pairs you can actually wear and leave it alone! Or else, find outfits for every pair and hire some people to carry your sedan chair!